I need to start building bridges instead of burning down what little I have left.
The main point is not to be needy and wanting inclusiveness of a group, because that is really just pointless. You may appear to have a pack to travel in, when in fact you are a lone wolf prowling.(Someone else points out that you should be with them because you want to, not just for the inclusiveness, and I can't disagree)
I feel that keeping a small circle of close friends, and a larger ring of mutually friendly beings is one of the ways to go. And the only way I can think of at the moment. I think that for the small circle, it will take a lot of time and patience. But for the larger ring, perhaps the beings have tried, but I just have not played my part.
It's like one country building their part of the bridge, but here on this side, divided by a river or strait, I refuse to set aside the resources and manpower to build up my side. Then again, perhaps the the small circle is derived from that larger ring.
Also I need to stop burning them bridges.
Looking back, I really have not been nice (or attempted to be) to my peers. I'd say that at least 60% of my comments then were mean spirited, 30% work related, and the rest barely audible mumbling, a few lousy jokes here and there (esp. in sec 2 right after transfer, but after feedback, I shut up, maybe lousy jokes are good?), a few facts without having a point, and maybe a wee bit of attempt to build the bridges.
Clearly I haven't been making effort (or considered doing so).
Maybe I don't always need to have a point (especially negative ones) when trying to be friendly.
But I'm pretty sure it helps to have a positive point. Maybe a lot of people just don't get what I'm trying to say. I am pretty sure that I do not speak 'cheem-ly' as accused of having been, but speak as a person who regularly uses english does. Despite that I'm pretty happy to find people can understand and talk on the same frequency, even if they don't seem that interested.
I kind of figured this out from sticking my neck out, and sort of smiling at people in my current place of internship. Everyone is friendly, although conversation does not last (back to conversation without having a point)
On the other hand, maybe it's just because I'm not competing with my colleagues for anything. It's not as if I'll eat into their share of bonus. But then again, just about everyone there is nice to each other. I still find their grins a bit creepy though. Perhaps I should stop thinkingso much and just smile to people in my studying environment too.
On the other side of the coin, maybe I ought to stick to my guns, and if people can't take me, so be it. I'd like to have the real and raw me known, not some candy-coated bitter pill. But not a lot of people can handle the bitter pills. And there are different kinds of bitter pills ranging from negative habits to negative pastimes. I'm glad to say mine are less of the negative pastimes.
I guess that this has turned into a cake issue.
Can't have it and eat it.
Perhaps I should just stop looking back to see where I've gone wrong and continue a route of trial and error, albeit with a different trial.
Perhaps I should just wander alone and be comfortable with it.
Ah shit. Lets just take it as it comes and see what happens.
